M.S., Blindness and Cancer is not the same as Tyroid issues.

I'm already in a terrible mood. So this post might be all over the place. Honestly I can't even tell at this point, it looks good to me, which isn't saying much. I hurt, I'm tired and have blurry, double vision. I'm not perfect. (The last statement was a disclaimer.... this blog talks about how I feel and how not normal for me is normal remember? I know I have many issues as well) But..... The big but, right, what makes me even more cranky is my husband. O.K. that being said he probably is correct when he says I disrespect him. But why, why, why does he not listen to me. Why does he not believe me. I feel like no one believes me or even notices me.

I mentioned before I'm educated, part of my frustration is the words don't come out of my mouth how I want. I have a undergrad in business, a teaching license in science and computer science. Yet when I read I can't tell you what it was. I can't get the words out, I know stuff I just can't tell you what. I feel like I'm losing my mind, I can't smell. (just thought I would throw that in) The second I think it, the thought is  gone. I can snap out of my "spells" after a month or two. It has been harder and harder since Wyatt. I think this is why this mode of communication might work for me. Even handwriting is difficult at times. Anyway, I'm just so tired of acting like I'm O.K. I do it because that is what is expected in society today, but in my house I don't want to.  Enter husband....

The moans, groans and snide remarks about the house being messy is a constant. Wyatt was on the floor today when a visitor came over, then even they made a remark how I'm not paying attention to him. The one or two hours they spend with me and my boys does not earn you the right to criticize what I do. Tell me how I don't pay attention throughout the night. Or all day with Wesley not turning on the t.v. Sometimes, I just don't want advice.

I'm sorry, but the normal in my life involves allot of health problems and things no one can change. I know so I deal with it the best I can. Family dying of cancer, fertility issues, blindness, friends with cancer, friends with M.S. the list goes on and is endless. Yet I've heard people shrug away it all to being "just like her tyriod medicine" I think it is their way of dealing with things, but it only adds to my frustration.  Anti rejection medicine for a non-transplant patient, along with mega doses of steroids... Is not the same as thyroid medicine. (that is not for me by-the-way) M.s. is not the same thing as thyriod medicine. I get so frustrated at the attempt to relate to what it is like for us. I have no idea what it is like to have tyriod issues. I can't realate and I don't want to offend anyone in trying. I just know what it is like living with this body, and from what I gather, constant pain and weird things happening is not normal.

I told Jerry before. He has to understand it's not going to get better.  I'm not able to be the second income, I'm not able to clean the house, this is not what I wanted either, he got royally screwed when he married me. I'm not what he agreed to eight years ago and now he's stuck with me. Hell I dance with my son for two hours at my cousins wedding and I still haven't recovered. My friend returned clothes and toys she borrowed, I should be happy but my first thougt was Ohhh shit.... more stuff to do that I can't. More stuff to go through, more stuff for Jerry to complain about. When I should just be happy to have her bring them back so the kids could enjoy them.

I talked to my pastor about my learning problems as of right now. I'm supposed to be doing this intense bible study. Since I can't keep a thought memorizing bible verses is out of the question. I also realize I'm a sinner I need help and I can't do anything without God.  I still continually fall short of even passing the simplest of temptations.  But that doesn't stop me from trying to be closer to Jesus, I really do try. I told my pastor of the issues I was having, this isn't new it happens when my ms flairs up, I know I'll snap out of it but pretending it isn't there is not healthily. I can explain and make excuses to everyone all day but the reality is I just can't get my thoughts out, my head hurts. He said "Well the good news is no one notices"

That made me start to think, I guess it would be nice for someone to notice. Someone who loves me to notice. Notice I don't want to drive to the doctor alone, notice my smile is crooked, notice I slur my speech, notice I need some sleep, notice How much I love all my family, for Jerry to notice how much I love him and appreciate what he does, notice that I know that I'm hard to live with, notice every day I try to do the very best I can. I always stood out so much, the problem I have now is I got really good at having people not notice me.