Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Multiple Scerosis (M.S.)Tattoo
Monday, December 5, 2011
Christmas Decorations
I understand it's been awhile, but it has been an especially hard few weeks. So much goes on in my head it is hard to sort through it all. In fact starting with Thanksgiving it is the season of mixed feelings. There are happy things: Jerry's birthday; Christmas; Nico and Dan's birthdays; New years; seeing family. But along with all of it there are things that remind me of sad times, my grandmas death, being diagnosed with m.s. how difficult things get as far as decorating and all the business that I have to decide what to do. This year my cousins got married and that adds to the joy and the stress of the season.
Every year I have to give up more and more of the Christmas decorations. So for the first time I admitted defeat and called in some help. It was much better than I expected to have some well needed help decorate my home.
Every year except the first year we lived here I have put up less decorations than the year before. It is a combination of things really, I'm tired, it to hard and the simple movement of standing up and looking down makes me sick. Jerry likes the decorations but it is more a stress to him than fun so that makes it seem like a waste of time and energy. I just want Wesley and Wyatt to have that magical experience of Christmas that I had as a child. The lights and smells, watching Christmas special such as Emmet Otter's jug-band Christmas and Rodolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. But the fight about decorations and the amount of time spent is one more battle I have given into. It only reminds me of the things that I can't do anymore.
Even though things get harder and harder and the decorations get less and less. The magic in Wesley's eyes just gets bigger and bigger. He is so thankful for the tree and the mechanical ice skating rink. he doesn't care about the mess, or the work. He loves how beautiful the marbles (Christmas tree bulbs) look on the tree. That makes every candy cane and miniature light worth it. And this year we get to add Wyatt into the Christmas mix. So even though the decorations get less and less the blessings just keep growing.
Every year I have to give up more and more of the Christmas decorations. So for the first time I admitted defeat and called in some help. It was much better than I expected to have some well needed help decorate my home.
Every year except the first year we lived here I have put up less decorations than the year before. It is a combination of things really, I'm tired, it to hard and the simple movement of standing up and looking down makes me sick. Jerry likes the decorations but it is more a stress to him than fun so that makes it seem like a waste of time and energy. I just want Wesley and Wyatt to have that magical experience of Christmas that I had as a child. The lights and smells, watching Christmas special such as Emmet Otter's jug-band Christmas and Rodolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. But the fight about decorations and the amount of time spent is one more battle I have given into. It only reminds me of the things that I can't do anymore.
Even though things get harder and harder and the decorations get less and less. The magic in Wesley's eyes just gets bigger and bigger. He is so thankful for the tree and the mechanical ice skating rink. he doesn't care about the mess, or the work. He loves how beautiful the marbles (Christmas tree bulbs) look on the tree. That makes every candy cane and miniature light worth it. And this year we get to add Wyatt into the Christmas mix. So even though the decorations get less and less the blessings just keep growing.
Monday, November 28, 2011
It's been a hard week. Between daily trips to the hospital over the last week, decreasing strenth in my legs and the holidays. I'm just tired. On the upside, it looks like my teachers disablity might go through. That is good right? I wish I could still work. I want to use the education and experiance I have. I enjoyed school, and learning, I hate how it turned into such a difficult thing. I always thought I would make a huge differnce in the lives of others. I need to be content in just making the lives of those around me better.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Early wake up call
Nothing has been going on over the past couple of days. I'm tired and not really in a good mood. I fell again today. That makes things hard. Like one big reminder to always think about what I'm doing. It's exhausting. I'm o.k. if I was going to fall in the bedroom is a good place. I landed on a pillow. See I knew there was a reason I don't keep them on the bed.
The doctor called today to let me know that I tested positive for a common virus. So that means I can't take the medicine I was hoping to start. Nothing starts off the week like an early morning call from the neurologist.
The doctor called today to let me know that I tested positive for a common virus. So that means I can't take the medicine I was hoping to start. Nothing starts off the week like an early morning call from the neurologist.
Friday, November 18, 2011
The Christmas List: Chainsaw
Seriously I can not catch even a little break. I want to thank the little
boy from preschool who brought in the toy chainsaw for show and tell. Wesley
wants a chainsaw for Christmas, which I'm seriously considering. Especially
after he told me he would be "rearry rearry careful and not cut himself,
he wants the kind that cuts wood like rrrrrrrr... rrrr......"
I should know better than to
let Wesley pick his own Christmas present, last year he wanted a $400.00 Kenix
Roller coaster, that "Santa" had to stay up all night and put
together. Because, "Santa" did not listen to his wife, who told him
weeks in advance to start putting it together. Since the person that gave it to
them, told Mrs. Claus specifically, it took her adult daughter 3 days to put
together. I should know not to ask, but with Christmas coming, two weeks ago in
the car....... I did it.
"Wes, honey what do you
want for Christmas?" His response, "You know a wood cutter
thing." It cuts trees and goes RRRrrr... Rrrr... and goes round and round?
You know what I'm talkn bout mommy?" Well of course my response was No,
your not getting a circular saw. He quickly responded "no, it has a long
handle and cuts like this" then he made a chopping movement with his
hands. "Ohh, you mean a chain saw." Yeahhh he says, " Don't
worry mommy I'll be rearry rearry careful and not cut himself." In that
case, I'll talk to Santa about maybe getting a toy chainsaw only. Then he
insisted to talk to Santa himself.
I might as well let Wesley run around the house with sharp knives, then walk up the wooden steps with roller skates on so he can eat hot dogs that are not precut into non- chokeable pieces while watching something really violent on t.v.
I have been trying for two weeks to find an alternative to a real chainsaw. And Now..... just my luck, my neighbor is getting his tree cut down as we speak. The excitement in Wesley's eyes while screaming through the house "come see mommy, come see" "That's what I was talkn bout mommy, I want that kind of chainsaw." Of course, of course he does. What three year old boy doesn't want a real chain saw.
I should be happy for the free, cableless real world entertainment... Wait, just remembered we're paying for half the tree to be cut down. Yep, not even free.
I might as well let Wesley run around the house with sharp knives, then walk up the wooden steps with roller skates on so he can eat hot dogs that are not precut into non- chokeable pieces while watching something really violent on t.v.
I have been trying for two weeks to find an alternative to a real chainsaw. And Now..... just my luck, my neighbor is getting his tree cut down as we speak. The excitement in Wesley's eyes while screaming through the house "come see mommy, come see" "That's what I was talkn bout mommy, I want that kind of chainsaw." Of course, of course he does. What three year old boy doesn't want a real chain saw.
I should be happy for the free, cableless real world entertainment... Wait, just remembered we're paying for half the tree to be cut down. Yep, not even free.
Family, you got to love them!
I am feeling much better today, so that naturally means I'm feeling bad about complaining so much. It must be my napping, like I said if I got some good sleep I think I would feel much better. So I'm going to talk about my family, what better way to start out the morning than thinking about those you love.
I realize that I have friends and family that love me. I even have been making new friends by joining a club for women NOT from Alliance. I love it. I have been on a month hiatus from seeing them due to medical problems I've been having. But hope they forgive me. It has been so nice talking to women like me not from the area. It's so dorky, and so much fun. I'm part of a club and I love it.
I also realize that my crazy family, yes they are all indisputably crazy, allow they would probally use the wourd exciting to decribe themselves. My family and friends are the reason I am a strong, attractive, wonderful person. I think it goes all the way back to my ancestry, we are good looking people. Not, the crazy part. Well maybe, we don't really talk about it. In fact; there is a good chance I might get disowned, yet agian, for even writing this.....
I have a mom and a dad, so far genetically necessary to actually exist, I guess I don't need to mention that specifically. My mom sometimes has to wear and eye patch and works on a psychiatric ward at a hospital. That alone makes me laugh especially seeing it in print. Hahahaha
My dad is attractive Hungarian man with a awesome tan and green eyes. Just ask any one of my friends. He re-married an awesome new wife. She's young and smart and cute. Honest and well spoken. Quite frankly I ask myself, Why she would want to be a part if my crazy family?
I have a brother and a sister from both my parent together; a sister from my mom; and a sister and a brother from my dad. That is a total of 3 sisters and 2 brothers. It actually took me a minute to figure out the math, so good luck to all of you.
Now my oldest sister, younger than me because I'm the oldest, has three kids the same age as my dad's children. She originally had my nephew while in high school. That gave my mom a heart attack. Yes it really does happen. And now is married to a grumpy Italian, with two other awesome kids. she has 2 boys and a girl. Wesley, my son, and Nico, her son, are the same age and best buddies.
My oldest brother is now a self proclaimed "Renaissance man". Now, How does one become a "Renaissance Man" you can ask him or read about it when he publishes his book. "How to become a Renaissance man." Hahahaha I tease him by asking him to let me know how this search on becoming a modern renansance man goes when he has his first baby in May. He is getting a Masters in Nursing, works at very nice hospital. Now he changed his last name because he did not want to be Dr. Pitlik. Growing up with a last name that is easy to act out in game of charades, is difficult, but who changes their last name? Yeah, my brother.
Now, we can't forget the in laws. Everything my family lacks as far as excitement and abnormal, my in-laws make up for. I often tease Jody, my sister-in-law. I like having her around because she has just as many family issues as me and they are all different from mine. But those stories are for her to tell, or me to tell if she says it's o.k.
So that's us, immediate family, in a very brief nut shell. Did you follow?
God how I love my family they make me laugh and seeing this very, very brief description of them all together on one page makes me so happy inside......... Even my mom Pirate Cindy... RRRrrrrrrrr
I realize that I have friends and family that love me. I even have been making new friends by joining a club for women NOT from Alliance. I love it. I have been on a month hiatus from seeing them due to medical problems I've been having. But hope they forgive me. It has been so nice talking to women like me not from the area. It's so dorky, and so much fun. I'm part of a club and I love it.
I also realize that my crazy family, yes they are all indisputably crazy, allow they would probally use the wourd exciting to decribe themselves. My family and friends are the reason I am a strong, attractive, wonderful person. I think it goes all the way back to my ancestry, we are good looking people. Not, the crazy part. Well maybe, we don't really talk about it. In fact; there is a good chance I might get disowned, yet agian, for even writing this.....
I have a mom and a dad, so far genetically necessary to actually exist, I guess I don't need to mention that specifically. My mom sometimes has to wear and eye patch and works on a psychiatric ward at a hospital. That alone makes me laugh especially seeing it in print. Hahahaha
My dad is attractive Hungarian man with a awesome tan and green eyes. Just ask any one of my friends. He re-married an awesome new wife. She's young and smart and cute. Honest and well spoken. Quite frankly I ask myself, Why she would want to be a part if my crazy family?
I have a brother and a sister from both my parent together; a sister from my mom; and a sister and a brother from my dad. That is a total of 3 sisters and 2 brothers. It actually took me a minute to figure out the math, so good luck to all of you.
Now my oldest sister, younger than me because I'm the oldest, has three kids the same age as my dad's children. She originally had my nephew while in high school. That gave my mom a heart attack. Yes it really does happen. And now is married to a grumpy Italian, with two other awesome kids. she has 2 boys and a girl. Wesley, my son, and Nico, her son, are the same age and best buddies.
My oldest brother is now a self proclaimed "Renaissance man". Now, How does one become a "Renaissance Man" you can ask him or read about it when he publishes his book. "How to become a Renaissance man." Hahahaha I tease him by asking him to let me know how this search on becoming a modern renansance man goes when he has his first baby in May. He is getting a Masters in Nursing, works at very nice hospital. Now he changed his last name because he did not want to be Dr. Pitlik. Growing up with a last name that is easy to act out in game of charades, is difficult, but who changes their last name? Yeah, my brother.
Now, we can't forget the in laws. Everything my family lacks as far as excitement and abnormal, my in-laws make up for. I often tease Jody, my sister-in-law. I like having her around because she has just as many family issues as me and they are all different from mine. But those stories are for her to tell, or me to tell if she says it's o.k.
So that's us, immediate family, in a very brief nut shell. Did you follow?
God how I love my family they make me laugh and seeing this very, very brief description of them all together on one page makes me so happy inside......... Even my mom Pirate Cindy... RRRrrrrrrrr
Thursday, November 17, 2011
To Nap or not to Nap?
Jerry had to work early again today 6 a.m. Wesley had preschool at 9, Wyatt a doctor Apt. at 9:30, I had to meet with the title agency for our house refinancing at the Pro football Hall of Fame at 11, Pick Wes up from school when I was done in Canton. Then go to the bank.
I remembered I forgot to take my medicine on the way to the doctor. Since I was running late, there was no time to turn back. A day with out adderall, and Prozac ,Great. Thing are looking up.
Wyatt had his 6 month check up, plus a cold. Wyatt is 75% height and weight. I make big cute, smart babies. What can I say, I'm blessed. The doctor's exact words were when looking him over were "my, he's being lazy". I'm sure she ment "How athletic, look at the hand eye corridation he has" when trying to pull him up as he was swatting and laughing at her attempts to lift the cubby baby up.
But of course what I heard was "What an amazing awesome baby". Not " My, how much are you feeding him?" When telling her how much he eats, I left out the part where he tries to eat the cat. After a nice check up and so samples of baby formlua, always a bonus. She called in some antibiotics for him and Wes, and I was on my way.
I had to get those from the pharmacy, Canton, then the bank. Well, thanks to Jerry and the fact that the doctor didn't call in the script yet, I was able to skip the pharmacy.
And hour at the Hall signing papers, then to the bank. I have a brilliant idea about trading coins for melt value, (will elaborate later if it works). So 50 lbs. in coins later from two banks, I was on my way home.
At this point I decided either update my blog or nap. I'll let you guess which one I picked.
I remembered I forgot to take my medicine on the way to the doctor. Since I was running late, there was no time to turn back. A day with out adderall, and Prozac ,Great. Thing are looking up.
Wyatt had his 6 month check up, plus a cold. Wyatt is 75% height and weight. I make big cute, smart babies. What can I say, I'm blessed. The doctor's exact words were when looking him over were "my, he's being lazy". I'm sure she ment "How athletic, look at the hand eye corridation he has" when trying to pull him up as he was swatting and laughing at her attempts to lift the cubby baby up.
But of course what I heard was "What an amazing awesome baby". Not " My, how much are you feeding him?" When telling her how much he eats, I left out the part where he tries to eat the cat. After a nice check up and so samples of baby formlua, always a bonus. She called in some antibiotics for him and Wes, and I was on my way.
I had to get those from the pharmacy, Canton, then the bank. Well, thanks to Jerry and the fact that the doctor didn't call in the script yet, I was able to skip the pharmacy.
And hour at the Hall signing papers, then to the bank. I have a brilliant idea about trading coins for melt value, (will elaborate later if it works). So 50 lbs. in coins later from two banks, I was on my way home.
At this point I decided either update my blog or nap. I'll let you guess which one I picked.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
M.S., Blindness and Cancer is not the same as Tyroid issues.
I'm already in a terrible mood. So this post might be all over the place. Honestly I can't even tell at this point, it looks good to me, which isn't saying much. I hurt, I'm tired and have blurry, double vision. I'm not perfect. (The last statement was a disclaimer.... this blog talks about how I feel and how not normal for me is normal remember? I know I have many issues as well) But..... The big but, right, what makes me even more cranky is my husband. O.K. that being said he probably is correct when he says I disrespect him. But why, why, why does he not listen to me. Why does he not believe me. I feel like no one believes me or even notices me.
I mentioned before I'm educated, part of my frustration is the words don't come out of my mouth how I want. I have a undergrad in business, a teaching license in science and computer science. Yet when I read I can't tell you what it was. I can't get the words out, I know stuff I just can't tell you what. I feel like I'm losing my mind, I can't smell. (just thought I would throw that in) The second I think it, the thought is gone. I can snap out of my "spells" after a month or two. It has been harder and harder since Wyatt. I think this is why this mode of communication might work for me. Even handwriting is difficult at times. Anyway, I'm just so tired of acting like I'm O.K. I do it because that is what is expected in society today, but in my house I don't want to. Enter husband....
The moans, groans and snide remarks about the house being messy is a constant. Wyatt was on the floor today when a visitor came over, then even they made a remark how I'm not paying attention to him. The one or two hours they spend with me and my boys does not earn you the right to criticize what I do. Tell me how I don't pay attention throughout the night. Or all day with Wesley not turning on the t.v. Sometimes, I just don't want advice.
I'm sorry, but the normal in my life involves allot of health problems and things no one can change. I know so I deal with it the best I can. Family dying of cancer, fertility issues, blindness, friends with cancer, friends with M.S. the list goes on and is endless. Yet I've heard people shrug away it all to being "just like her tyriod medicine" I think it is their way of dealing with things, but it only adds to my frustration. Anti rejection medicine for a non-transplant patient, along with mega doses of steroids... Is not the same as thyroid medicine. (that is not for me by-the-way) M.s. is not the same thing as thyriod medicine. I get so frustrated at the attempt to relate to what it is like for us. I have no idea what it is like to have tyriod issues. I can't realate and I don't want to offend anyone in trying. I just know what it is like living with this body, and from what I gather, constant pain and weird things happening is not normal.
I told Jerry before. He has to understand it's not going to get better. I'm not able to be the second income, I'm not able to clean the house, this is not what I wanted either, he got royally screwed when he married me. I'm not what he agreed to eight years ago and now he's stuck with me. Hell I dance with my son for two hours at my cousins wedding and I still haven't recovered. My friend returned clothes and toys she borrowed, I should be happy but my first thougt was Ohhh shit.... more stuff to do that I can't. More stuff to go through, more stuff for Jerry to complain about. When I should just be happy to have her bring them back so the kids could enjoy them.
I talked to my pastor about my learning problems as of right now. I'm supposed to be doing this intense bible study. Since I can't keep a thought memorizing bible verses is out of the question. I also realize I'm a sinner I need help and I can't do anything without God. I still continually fall short of even passing the simplest of temptations. But that doesn't stop me from trying to be closer to Jesus, I really do try. I told my pastor of the issues I was having, this isn't new it happens when my ms flairs up, I know I'll snap out of it but pretending it isn't there is not healthily. I can explain and make excuses to everyone all day but the reality is I just can't get my thoughts out, my head hurts. He said "Well the good news is no one notices"
That made me start to think, I guess it would be nice for someone to notice. Someone who loves me to notice. Notice I don't want to drive to the doctor alone, notice my smile is crooked, notice I slur my speech, notice I need some sleep, notice How much I love all my family, for Jerry to notice how much I love him and appreciate what he does, notice that I know that I'm hard to live with, notice every day I try to do the very best I can. I always stood out so much, the problem I have now is I got really good at having people not notice me.
I mentioned before I'm educated, part of my frustration is the words don't come out of my mouth how I want. I have a undergrad in business, a teaching license in science and computer science. Yet when I read I can't tell you what it was. I can't get the words out, I know stuff I just can't tell you what. I feel like I'm losing my mind, I can't smell. (just thought I would throw that in) The second I think it, the thought is gone. I can snap out of my "spells" after a month or two. It has been harder and harder since Wyatt. I think this is why this mode of communication might work for me. Even handwriting is difficult at times. Anyway, I'm just so tired of acting like I'm O.K. I do it because that is what is expected in society today, but in my house I don't want to. Enter husband....
The moans, groans and snide remarks about the house being messy is a constant. Wyatt was on the floor today when a visitor came over, then even they made a remark how I'm not paying attention to him. The one or two hours they spend with me and my boys does not earn you the right to criticize what I do. Tell me how I don't pay attention throughout the night. Or all day with Wesley not turning on the t.v. Sometimes, I just don't want advice.
I'm sorry, but the normal in my life involves allot of health problems and things no one can change. I know so I deal with it the best I can. Family dying of cancer, fertility issues, blindness, friends with cancer, friends with M.S. the list goes on and is endless. Yet I've heard people shrug away it all to being "just like her tyriod medicine" I think it is their way of dealing with things, but it only adds to my frustration. Anti rejection medicine for a non-transplant patient, along with mega doses of steroids... Is not the same as thyroid medicine. (that is not for me by-the-way) M.s. is not the same thing as thyriod medicine. I get so frustrated at the attempt to relate to what it is like for us. I have no idea what it is like to have tyriod issues. I can't realate and I don't want to offend anyone in trying. I just know what it is like living with this body, and from what I gather, constant pain and weird things happening is not normal.
I told Jerry before. He has to understand it's not going to get better. I'm not able to be the second income, I'm not able to clean the house, this is not what I wanted either, he got royally screwed when he married me. I'm not what he agreed to eight years ago and now he's stuck with me. Hell I dance with my son for two hours at my cousins wedding and I still haven't recovered. My friend returned clothes and toys she borrowed, I should be happy but my first thougt was Ohhh shit.... more stuff to do that I can't. More stuff to go through, more stuff for Jerry to complain about. When I should just be happy to have her bring them back so the kids could enjoy them.
I talked to my pastor about my learning problems as of right now. I'm supposed to be doing this intense bible study. Since I can't keep a thought memorizing bible verses is out of the question. I also realize I'm a sinner I need help and I can't do anything without God. I still continually fall short of even passing the simplest of temptations. But that doesn't stop me from trying to be closer to Jesus, I really do try. I told my pastor of the issues I was having, this isn't new it happens when my ms flairs up, I know I'll snap out of it but pretending it isn't there is not healthily. I can explain and make excuses to everyone all day but the reality is I just can't get my thoughts out, my head hurts. He said "Well the good news is no one notices"
That made me start to think, I guess it would be nice for someone to notice. Someone who loves me to notice. Notice I don't want to drive to the doctor alone, notice my smile is crooked, notice I slur my speech, notice I need some sleep, notice How much I love all my family, for Jerry to notice how much I love him and appreciate what he does, notice that I know that I'm hard to live with, notice every day I try to do the very best I can. I always stood out so much, the problem I have now is I got really good at having people not notice me.
Wyatt's Sleeping Arrangements
I can't get a break on sleep. I'm convinced if I got just 3 days in a row uninterrupted sleep I could feel better. However, this is not likely to happen ever. Jerry snores and smells funny, so does Wesley. It doesn't help Wes ends up with me at some point of the night. If he doesn't start out the night in our room, he just shows up at some point. If he makes it to the morning in his own bed then he yells around 5 a.m. "Where's mommy at?" until he receives an answer, a habit that must be stopped immediately. At this point one of two thing happen:
1. Wesley snuggle time
2. Enter Wyatt.... Good morning, He's awake and ready to play. Wesley and Wyatt are ready for the day. Maybe if I was less fun, the boys would be less eager to start the day.
So, I have become quite comfortable alone on the couch.
I love the couch, it's quite, no one snores, smells funny or kicks me. When my legs are twitching and cramping I don't bother anyone. I even have a couch in the back room next to the fireplace where I can snuggle up when ever I want. Did I mention I love the couch. Plus, if I'm in the back then it is less noisy, increasing the chance I get for three hours of consecutive sleep.
Friday we hit the deer. Since, I was having even more pain and a MRI in the morning, I got some sympathy sleep. By Sunday it was over. I should have known Sunday night when Jerry brought Wyatt upstairs he insisted I come up to bed. But I had such a good thing going. Then at 3 a.m. instead of getting the bottle himself and comforting my poor baby boy, Jerry comes downstairs to my only alone space and wakes me up to get Wyatt. What makes men unable to comfort babies at night? I guess it doesn't matter because Tuesday instead of taking Wyatt upstairs he left him on the couch with me. I know falling asleep with your baby is not the best thing, but a person can not survive awake and alone.
Jerry obviously was on to me. I started sleeping more and more, feeling a little better. Then BAM!*! gone, as fast as it came. My love affair with the couch was tragically stolen away when Jerry left Wyatt with me all night. I was confined to the short couch on the other side of the room. Next to the window, where there is just enough light from the street light to make sleeping extremely uncomfortable. Why must I an adult woman 5'4'' sleep on a 3 foot couch, and a baby 29" sleep on a six foot couch? I'll tell you why, I NEED to sleep. However uncomfortable, loud or cramped. I need to sleep.
As a woman, I adapt. By midnight I realize I was busted. Goodbye, couch, I'll miss our time alone. Maybe someday you can offer me the comfort I so desperately seek.
1. Wesley snuggle time
2. Enter Wyatt.... Good morning, He's awake and ready to play. Wesley and Wyatt are ready for the day. Maybe if I was less fun, the boys would be less eager to start the day.
So, I have become quite comfortable alone on the couch.
I love the couch, it's quite, no one snores, smells funny or kicks me. When my legs are twitching and cramping I don't bother anyone. I even have a couch in the back room next to the fireplace where I can snuggle up when ever I want. Did I mention I love the couch. Plus, if I'm in the back then it is less noisy, increasing the chance I get for three hours of consecutive sleep.
Friday we hit the deer. Since, I was having even more pain and a MRI in the morning, I got some sympathy sleep. By Sunday it was over. I should have known Sunday night when Jerry brought Wyatt upstairs he insisted I come up to bed. But I had such a good thing going. Then at 3 a.m. instead of getting the bottle himself and comforting my poor baby boy, Jerry comes downstairs to my only alone space and wakes me up to get Wyatt. What makes men unable to comfort babies at night? I guess it doesn't matter because Tuesday instead of taking Wyatt upstairs he left him on the couch with me. I know falling asleep with your baby is not the best thing, but a person can not survive awake and alone.
Jerry obviously was on to me. I started sleeping more and more, feeling a little better. Then BAM!*! gone, as fast as it came. My love affair with the couch was tragically stolen away when Jerry left Wyatt with me all night. I was confined to the short couch on the other side of the room. Next to the window, where there is just enough light from the street light to make sleeping extremely uncomfortable. Why must I an adult woman 5'4'' sleep on a 3 foot couch, and a baby 29" sleep on a six foot couch? I'll tell you why, I NEED to sleep. However uncomfortable, loud or cramped. I need to sleep.
As a woman, I adapt. By midnight I realize I was busted. Goodbye, couch, I'll miss our time alone. Maybe someday you can offer me the comfort I so desperately seek.
Money and Happiness
A thought.... Whoever said money can not buy happiness did not buy a baby swing. Trust me everyone is more happy when in or around a baby swing. Tic toc... tic tockk instant soothing happiness.....
M.S. and Sleep Anxiety
This is the oldest of the reasons why I'm tired all the time. Well not including Jerry, of course. The super smart neurologist and the doctors call it "m.s. related fatigue", Well I'm just plain tired. Not depressed, they tried saying that, too. TIRED! Like the kind of tired I would rather sleep than do just about anything, hard to move tired. As if I had on 20 coats like the Randy on the Christmas Story.
Just to make sure "that there is nothing else going on" The doctor, nerologist, wants to do a sleep study. Weeks later I get to go have this done. I was working at the time in a inner city school, for children with social disorders... long story short, and politically incorrect... They got kicked out of every other school, they kill, want to kill or people are trying to kill them, however, they are not locked up or dead yet, pegnant , on and dealing drugs and reproducing, but not in jail. They need somewhere to go that is not on the streets, why not a charter school catered to them "no child left behind right"? I wonder if it counts as children if they are 20 years old? Yeah, anyway......
Keep in mind I have a new baby and am trying to find a new job closer to home. At the time we bought a house, not even a year ago, and I just got diagnosed with m.s. My boss was crazy and no public school even wanted to talk to me since I taught at a charter school. Since charter schools take all the good kids from the public school, (Make me laugh) how on earth could I possible work in a Unionized public school.
Calling off was not an option most of the time, if you wanted a job..... No union remember.... and talking to other people and the police, forget it. If you did, it didn't matter or they didn't care. (I tried)
My life hasn't changed to much since then. I'm more stressed, no job, two kids, struggling and failing miserably at being a good Christan. Still have a house, still have m.s. still have a husband.
My point is thousands of dollars, and time spent away doing a sleep study gave me this knowledge........
I have allot of stress in my life. The results of the sleep study show I have allot of anxiety, and I have m.s....... Really doctors....... Thank you, thank you, and here I thought I was tired because I snored.
The million dollar advice I was told...... Sorry but anti anxiety pills won't even work for you since you have real reasons to be anxious.... O.K. Thanks again, for this invaluable advice..... They could however prescribe some medication for people with narcolepsy and Alzheimers so I could stay awake longer...... My response, Thanks again for your help.... who do I write the check out to? .... More stress......
Just to make sure "that there is nothing else going on" The doctor, nerologist, wants to do a sleep study. Weeks later I get to go have this done. I was working at the time in a inner city school, for children with social disorders... long story short, and politically incorrect... They got kicked out of every other school, they kill, want to kill or people are trying to kill them, however, they are not locked up or dead yet, pegnant , on and dealing drugs and reproducing, but not in jail. They need somewhere to go that is not on the streets, why not a charter school catered to them "no child left behind right"? I wonder if it counts as children if they are 20 years old? Yeah, anyway......
Keep in mind I have a new baby and am trying to find a new job closer to home. At the time we bought a house, not even a year ago, and I just got diagnosed with m.s. My boss was crazy and no public school even wanted to talk to me since I taught at a charter school. Since charter schools take all the good kids from the public school, (Make me laugh) how on earth could I possible work in a Unionized public school.
Calling off was not an option most of the time, if you wanted a job..... No union remember.... and talking to other people and the police, forget it. If you did, it didn't matter or they didn't care. (I tried)
My life hasn't changed to much since then. I'm more stressed, no job, two kids, struggling and failing miserably at being a good Christan. Still have a house, still have m.s. still have a husband.
My point is thousands of dollars, and time spent away doing a sleep study gave me this knowledge........
I have allot of stress in my life. The results of the sleep study show I have allot of anxiety, and I have m.s....... Really doctors....... Thank you, thank you, and here I thought I was tired because I snored.
The million dollar advice I was told...... Sorry but anti anxiety pills won't even work for you since you have real reasons to be anxious.... O.K. Thanks again, for this invaluable advice..... They could however prescribe some medication for people with narcolepsy and Alzheimers so I could stay awake longer...... My response, Thanks again for your help.... who do I write the check out to? .... More stress......
All in a nights sleep, well kind of
I gave in to the pain last night. After a long weekend of having one thing after another happen I had to take some muscle relaxers. The pain in my leg was awful. I'm pretty sure the fact that Wes was not paying attention when he gave me my shot helped. Yes, I let my three year old give me my daily injections, that will be a topic for another post when I feel up to talking about it. Yet one more normal around my house, mommy has to take a shot every day.
I'm not sure if it was the M.S. or that Jerry hit a deer in out new minivan with me in the passenger seat, or that I was up off and on the night before with Wyatt. But my back and neck felt like a blacksmith was pounding out and bending iron in my right shoulder. I wonder how a blacksmith could do that? But by God he was. Forging little swords to drive through my head right in my shoulder and neck. Amazing.
I will explore each situation in other posts to figure out which one it was...... Damn Deer: m.s. sleep anxiety: The Jerry and Wyatt sleeping arrangement.
P.S. I think I read somewhere once that when making a list you should use colons or was it semicolons? I'm going with colon, they don't get used as much and it is fun to say colon.
I'm not sure if it was the M.S. or that Jerry hit a deer in out new minivan with me in the passenger seat, or that I was up off and on the night before with Wyatt. But my back and neck felt like a blacksmith was pounding out and bending iron in my right shoulder. I wonder how a blacksmith could do that? But by God he was. Forging little swords to drive through my head right in my shoulder and neck. Amazing.
I will explore each situation in other posts to figure out which one it was...... Damn Deer: m.s. sleep anxiety: The Jerry and Wyatt sleeping arrangement.
P.S. I think I read somewhere once that when making a list you should use colons or was it semicolons? I'm going with colon, they don't get used as much and it is fun to say colon.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
to Suck or not to Suck???????
I decided not to breast feed Wyatt... My six month old boy. I made this decision after allot of prayer and thought. Due to the medicine that I take and the quality of my life I feel I was better at almost everything while I was taking the right meds. Not to mention prolonging my life. I'm able to walk better, be more awake, and take care of more household items. I think is is so wrong and frustrating that breast feeding proponents leave out mothers with medical problems when talking about breastfeeding.
Breast feeding is not what makes you bond with your child, it is the love and the time you spend with them. I'm not a bad parent because I can not breast feed. I don't love my 3 yr old more because I breast feed him, I was not taking any medicine at the time.... Having a child is about putting all their needs first. Including the fact that they need you to be around longer. I have never heard a person say "I wish I had breast milk instead of my mom."
I should not be made to feel that it is my fault my condition does not allow me to breastfeed. I already struggle with things I can't do, I will not let people tell me I'm not a great parent because I can't breastfeed. More and more women need to speak out about this. WE are GREAT moms. That does not depend on the fact that I can not breastfeed.
Breast feeding is not what makes you bond with your child, it is the love and the time you spend with them. I'm not a bad parent because I can not breast feed. I don't love my 3 yr old more because I breast feed him, I was not taking any medicine at the time.... Having a child is about putting all their needs first. Including the fact that they need you to be around longer. I have never heard a person say "I wish I had breast milk instead of my mom."
I should not be made to feel that it is my fault my condition does not allow me to breastfeed. I already struggle with things I can't do, I will not let people tell me I'm not a great parent because I can't breastfeed. More and more women need to speak out about this. WE are GREAT moms. That does not depend on the fact that I can not breastfeed.
Doctors and Vactions
Arrrgg..... I have had nothing but reoccurring M.S. problems since and during my pregnancy. There is a huge racket on neurological care in Ohio. The practice in which my neurologist attends has the only neurologists within a 45 mile radius and they are also the only ones within and hour of where I live that take my medical insurance. I have had new vision problems and my new MRI clearly shows some scar tissue on my optic nerve. With that being said, and steadily declining vision I call for so treatment. Well, my doctor is on vacation. Of course. I'm not scheduled to go back until mid December. So I wait.
Who needs clear vision and strength in their arms and legs. Forget about easing the pain of muscle cramps. Thank you, for all your help doctors. I'll be hear waiting for your return I hope you are enjoying your trip.
Who needs clear vision and strength in their arms and legs. Forget about easing the pain of muscle cramps. Thank you, for all your help doctors. I'll be hear waiting for your return I hope you are enjoying your trip.
Starting to better communicate
I just saw this has spell check. Very nice.
I am starting this blog in order to better communicate how I feel and see things. I have been living with M.S. for sometime and like so many other I feel alone. I love the motivation that sites give but it is just not how I feel. M.S. sucks. When you add in all the other craziness of being a mom of two young boys and a wife, it makes even the crazy seem desiriable compared to how I live.
I consider myself an educated person. I graduated college, was a college athlete. I worked from the age I was fifteen, illegally at a chinese returant.... And now I am struggling with disablity and the fact that a times I know my mind and body are slipping away.
It turns out normal is not what I was expecting. Normal for me is far from what I always thought was normal. This is for me to help sort out all my thoughts and for anyone else who normal is not quite like everyone else. and for all you normal people out there who might just wind up reading this. Thank God every day your not me, like I thank God I'm not like you. Because no matter how hard my life is I would not change it. Well maybe just some parts.........
I am starting this blog in order to better communicate how I feel and see things. I have been living with M.S. for sometime and like so many other I feel alone. I love the motivation that sites give but it is just not how I feel. M.S. sucks. When you add in all the other craziness of being a mom of two young boys and a wife, it makes even the crazy seem desiriable compared to how I live.
I consider myself an educated person. I graduated college, was a college athlete. I worked from the age I was fifteen, illegally at a chinese returant.... And now I am struggling with disablity and the fact that a times I know my mind and body are slipping away.
It turns out normal is not what I was expecting. Normal for me is far from what I always thought was normal. This is for me to help sort out all my thoughts and for anyone else who normal is not quite like everyone else. and for all you normal people out there who might just wind up reading this. Thank God every day your not me, like I thank God I'm not like you. Because no matter how hard my life is I would not change it. Well maybe just some parts.........
Monday, November 14, 2011
Thanks To Jody
I don't know how this works and am new to this. My sister inlaw has started a blog about her daily struggles with her husbands blindness. I love the idea. I have M.S. It seems we all need someone to listen and people who understand our struggles. I'm terrible at journally so this seems like a much better idea. God Bless you Jody and Good Luck. I love your motivation.
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